I worry.

A lot. About my future. About where I’ll end up and if I’ll truly be happy because that’s all I really want. Someone recently asked me where I saw myself in 10 years…and the only answer that really rang in my head was “In 10 years, I just hope I’m happy.”

College has really pushed me to my emotional limits and made me feel so insecure at times which is scary because I’ve always been very comfortable in my own skin. It’s created so many expectations and goals inside my head that I often wonder if they’re actually reachable. The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that will take a bunch of risks and chances—whether it be friendships, organizations, jobs, etc, and will fail a multitude of times. I’ll be sad for a bit, but then I’ll just be like “eh who the fuck cares. this all won’t matter 5 years from now!” and I’ll fight on and most likely try again in the relationship, tryout again for an organization, apply for more jobs, etc. Recently, I almost wanted to stop trying because I just felt so discouraged. I feel like I always put my heart into things I really want, and others who don’t seem to care as much achieve my goals so easily. 

People always say “go big or go home”, but what if I go big and come back with nothing? In the end, I’m afraid I’ll always fall short and that all the risks I take won’t build up to anything, that I’ll never live up to my true potential because I always get in the way of myself. Because I’m just not good enough.

I wish I could just trust in the plan that He has for me, but I know it’s going to take a lot of my own hard work and effort too. I hope in the end, all my failures build up and my perseverance pays off for a really great result. Man, I better work hard this semester. 

Maybe I’m just a little girl, a little girl with great big plans.